Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Dead Space (Scared Yet?)

Ok...really that game is not as scary as it's cracked up to be. I could never see anyone having nightmares from a simple game like that. It just seems really stressful. I know D.N. disagrees, but I really feel that way and it surely wont change any time soon. Also, this blog is not to be shared with the world. I know that this might get around, but I'm telling you my innermost secrets and feelings and trusting you enough to let you read. It's nothing to gossip about. This is almost like my diary. I feel like these are things that I want to say and want people to hear, but am simply too afraid of the reaction I'll get. Opening up for me now is really hard. If i open up to you and tell you things (like about my blog) you should feel honored. These are the things I dream of saying out loud, but keep them to the web, and you, special bunch of people, are the only ones who will find this site and read it. My feelings are shattered that you would even dare show this to someone else. Really? That's Shit. That would be like you trusting me with your diary and me simply allowing all these people at school to read it. Anyways don't give them the website or ever do that again. Thanks! On other news. The book I'm reading is not getting any happier. The teacher said only the beginning was sad but obviously she has a different opinion of sad...like me and D.N. have a different opinion of scary. God I cant get over feeling betrayed right now. It's not like I don't already have so many issues with trust, this just makes everything so much worse. I hate trusting people and this is why. It gets me fucking screwed over, you know? BULL SHIT. This school is full of pretty girls, most of them waiting for some small speck of drama so they can blow it up in everyone's faces. You know why that is? Because NOTHING ever happens at this school. I mean the occasional little mishap, but nothing big. This blog would be huge. If it got around I'd be devastated and E reminded me of that. I have crappy classes next. No more study hall. Yay Math....Yeah right. The bright side is I do have Mr.Heitzberg next class. I'm not looking forward to all my easy classes being dropped. I think I might have to drop the math soon and go back to study hall because once I get into Africa, with this art, and math, and government, and no free period for homework but lunch, I'm going to start failing again. I've been trying really hard this year to keep my grades as high as I possibly can, always doing my best, but then again, I've tried that before and it never works. I suppose I'll just have to over work myself. But if that means good grades and a good college then so be it. Sometimes there's so much stuff going on that I just...feel like I can't breath. I feel constricted and trapped and scared. Like I do when I'm inside in the dark, or out on a boat. I feel like the whole world could come to an end any second and here I'd be, stuck in the center of it all. Like just scares me in general, but I deal with the bullshit that is thrown at me because what the hell am I gonna do to change the way I'm treated by others. I'm just glad I'm free to leave, be myself, start all over, in June. I'll be happy then, I hope....This is for the eyes of who I choose. This is how I feel.

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