M

So let me tell you something new. I have this huge pet peeve. I cannot stand people who have some sort of problem with me, and then instead of talking to me about it, they talk to everyone else. Not only do they talk to everyone else but they send other people to talk to me about it instead of just talking to me about it. If you are 20 years old and you live one room over from me in the dorms, My roommate should not be coming over like she's your mom giving me a lecture on how rude I was being and that I owe you a sincere apology.Bitch why the fuck are you here? You are asking for an apology for another person when they are literally right there and could come talk to me themselves. This "problem" has nothing to do with you but you just dragged your fucking opinion through it. I don't care what you think about the problem or how you feel because you aren't involved. Get over yourself and get out of my fucking business. Then instead of talking to me again you go tell the RA when I never even thought the issue was that big of a deal because you never fucking told me it was. So now you've literally told everyone except me that we have a problem, and now the RA has to report me because that's her fucking job and you ahve ruined our friendship for good. I will never ever trust you again. I will never ever want to be your real friend. This is over. I will be civil and polite, but I don't like people who act like fucking preschoolers and cause drama for no reason.

Anyway, here's the simple ass story that caused this shit. M and I were passing a headband back and forth, then my roommate J joined in. All was fine. Then the headband fell into the trashcan and J was like "let's stop playing with that because I actually use that for my hair." So we said okay. M picks up an e.o.s. ball and says "let's start throwing this around instead." I said no because who wants a hard as e.o.s. ball being thrown around a room, but J decided it was okay. I said that I was going to read instead. J decided to throw the e.o.s. ball at me while I'm not paying attention because I'm reading, and it hits me. I get irritated and tell her she shouldn't throw things at people who aren't paying attention, and throw it back to her. She gets offensive and tells me that i don't have to throw things at her she was trying to hit my book not me and I was like sorry whatever. Then I went back to reading my book. Here is where everything went down hill.

I guess since J was trying to hit my book with the e.o.s. ball earlier, M got the great idea to just walk up to me and hit my book herself. The book hit my face and of course I got even more irritated. I put the book down thinking that J had thrown the ball at me again but she said she didn't. She said that M had hit my book. I looked over at M who was literally across the room now laughing her fucking ass off and I said seriously stop in a really pissed off tone. I then went back to reading my book. She decides that it would be really funny to do it again. I look at her and tell her to go away in a seriously pissed off tone at thins point and her and J are just laughing their fucking asses off. So I go to motion with my hands (because I talk with my hands and the madder I get the more wild the hand gesturing gets) and I hit her with the book. She says ow and I don't say anything because I am so pissed at this point that if I said sorry it wouldn't be true. She runs to her room and slams the door.

I leave it for the night because I'm not about to go bother someone who just slammed their door especially when I'm pissed off myself. Wake up the next day and J talks too me like nothing happened. I decide that when I get alone time with M I will apologize and all will be well, but I wanted to wait until I got her alone. Later in the day is when J comes in a gives me the lecture which pisses me off all over again. So I wasn't going to apologize to M when I was pissed because again I wouldn't mean it and it wouldn't have come out sounding sincere. So I waited until I cooled off, but didn't really get any alone time with M. Then my RA comes and talks to me and at that point I am livid because this dumb ass girl has talked to everyone about our problem except me and now I don't feel like she deserves my apology. She turned this stupid little problem into a permanent report on me. I will never forgive her and I'm, requesting for a new room next semester.

Girls are bitches and this is why I don't put my trust in them or befriend them.

Love,
Audi

Hot girls

That's comment you made about wanting to go on vacation with a hot girl and how I am not a hot girl really cut me deep. I can't stop thinking about it and it hurts. I'm doing the best I can I'm down a pant size in a month at this rate in three months I'll be back to the size I was when you met me. Be patient with me please. 

My heart hurts

You want to be with a skinny wife. You want to go on vacation with a hot girl, and I'm not that girl. I'm doing this as fast as I can. I am working so hard so you can see what I want to be and what you want me to be. I feel like nothing is working. This isn't going fast enough for either of us and my weight is causing you issues. It's making you want something different. I always knew I'd find the love of my life I just never imagined Id lose him. On top of that I never knew there was a pain this strong both emotionally and physically that can take you over when you think about losing that person and I definitely never thought I'd feel it.

Confused.

You want to be here with me. You want to work this out because you love me and you don't ever want to hurt me again. Sometimes you feel like we aren't a good match because of the problems that you have cause, but I have also caused my fair share of problems. You can't just run when  things get tough. That isn't how relationships work. We are going to fix this, and we are going to work out and you agree with that, but because you have seen me cry you seem to think that that is all your fault. I continuously explain that its not just you. It's stress, anxiety, your mom, that girl, my insecurities. This isn't all you. You are helping me through all this. If I didn't have you I'm not sure I'd make it. Your even my motivation to lose weight and be healthy because I know this isn't how I want to look and it's not how I want you to see me. I want you to see the best of me and I'm trying really hard to get there. In the process it will hurt, but you have to understand that it's for the better of us. All these things that are happening that you see as your fault, we are working through them to better our relationship and strengthen it. Running away won't do either of us any good.

What does she have that I don't have?

Does she give you butterflies? Does she make you blush? Does she make you feel better than I do? Does she make you happier than I do? I know she's skinnier than me but that can't be it can it? Do you get nervous before you talk to her? Like you have a crush? How can my weight be causing so much drama in this relationship? How can it make you start looking at other girls and getting crushes on other girls? I am literally ruining my relationship because I got fat. I don't think you've ever looked at me like that. I wanna be that girl that your proud to be with, proud to show off and brag about, proud to PDA to prove that I'm yours. 

He lied. Again.

He told me that he didn't have any feelings for that girl, that he didn't like her at all. He lied to me. He still has feeling for you and we lived two weeks on that lie and it took therapy for him to tell me he still likes her. My relationship is still in the hole. He can reassure me of anything because for him nothing is certain you never know what will happen so he doesn't know if he'll have feelings for me past today or be with me past today or if this relationship will go anywhere. What does that even mean? Are you even really in this relationship at all? Do you even hear what your saying? What made you love me and what has changed? Help me out here I feel like I'm drowning and there's no hope of savior. 

-Lots of Love 

Audi

Couples counseling

I hope this helps. I'm really nervous that talking about it again even in this safe of an environment will only make things worse. I still feel like he puts other people and their feeling before our relationship and me. That's something we will have to work on. I almost feel like I can't breath and I'm going to vomit. I get this way all the time when I'm nervous. Lately it's been happening more often. I just want to be happy again and trust him again and feel like I'm really beautiful again. All these insecurities that I have are really bringing down our relationship. I know that he feels like this is mostly his fault but I feel like I caused most of his issues or at least caused them to surface full blown crazy. If he ever left me again I don't know what I'd do. He is the one and I know it. I need him to feel secure and sure. I need him to like what I look like. I need him to stop comparing me. 

-Lots of Love

Audi

Superficial

Shouldn't he love me the same no matter what my weight? He'll say that every once in a while but the comments he makes about my tummy or how he just wants a skinny girl tell me otherwise. I just want to be everything he wants but realistically it takes a year to lose the amount of weight that I want to lose and I'm trying to lose it in three months. I've already lost 10lbs at an unhealthy rate to try to show him I really am trying and still I don't feel like that's really enough for him, like he doesn't even really see the progress I'm making. I guess that's how boys are? I don't know what to do anymore I just wish I could cut it all off. I'd get lyposuction if I had the money for it but I don't. This is going too slow I'll never gain his full attention and love and lust before he moves. I'll never be good enough and he'll find someone better and it's all because of my weight.

-Lots of Love

Audi

Why Do I Have to Feel Like Shit

I sit at home and give him time to think and be alone, and he uses that to hang out with friends. I want to go with him places to hang out and talk. I like to go to school with him because otherwise that means I'm home alone all day and I hate being alone. He says he only doesn't want me to go because he's afraid I'll get bored but then why would he be fighting this hard to keep me away. He looks at girls. I've know that. All guys do that. All the girls at his school have no curves, are flat tummied, and are tan and pretty. I have curves, always will, I'm working on the flat tummy but even when I used to weight 120 I didn't have a flat tummy, and I'll never be tan or have that amazing natural California beauty. I'm not from here. It kills me to know that he can look at all these other amazing girls all day and then he has to come home to this bullshit. Which is why I'm changing it. I'm getting to a better weight because I feel ashamed of myself and my body. He deserves better than this and I want to give him the best that I can. Losing weight is a long process even eating 1000 a day and working out on top of that. It doesn't move fast enough for me to feel happy about it. And because I feel so insecure about my weight again, it's effecting how I feel about our relationship. I feel like he could run off with plenty of better looking girls. He's really good looking. He could be taken away from me at any moment which is why my weight needs to change fast. I'll do anything. I feel like when he moves away, there's nothing I can do at that point. I'll never know what he's doing or who he's with. That never used to matter to me until I lost some of my trust in him. He won't be coming home to me because I'll be living elsewhere for a year. So, will he be coming home to an empty house every day, or someone else. And this is why I need counseling and anxiety medication. This stress and anxiety has literally taken over my entire life. I need help. Soon. I need him to look at me like I see him looking at those other girls. Soon.

-Lots of Love
Audi

Trust Issues

Nothing hurts more than realizing you've lost your trust in someone who means so much to you. Admitting it is hard. Realizing that you want to search through their phone and texts even though you have never felt that need before is really strange. Then you feel guilty after because even you feel that your trust issues have little basis, but you cant control the way that you feel. That's the way it is. It will heal over time but waiting for it to heal is hard. Waiting for things to go back to normal is harder.

-Lots of Love
Audi

I Write These For Myself

I like writing. I don't mind people reading my writings. But honestly I write these so that I can help myself figure things out. I know someone is saying to themselves "then write a private journal." I am hoping that by keeping these public, if anyone else is having these problems they can know that they are not the only ones and they can contact me. I wanna be here to help people through my own experience. I hate feeling like I'm all alone or I'm the only crazy one out there who feels this way so I don't want others to feel like that. I want everyone to feel welcome. Except Kanyon Smith and Dani Schneider. They will never ever ever ever be welcome. They ruined my life in a way that I can never forgive.

-Lots of Love
Audi

Meds

My ADD is acting up really bad. I've been forgetting everything! Even big things. This is what happened before I took the meds. Then I decided to get through college without them and I was doing so well. Now, I'm back to where I started. Not only that, My anxiety is through the roof. Maybe I need medication for that too. I've taken over 7 tests online and all have been a result of over 75%. I need a real test. One from the doctor or psychiatrist. I need something or I am not going to make it. Especially when I move away from everyone. My life is a huge emotional roller coaster right now and I don't know if it needs to be. I'm reacting to huge things, and carrying that reaction over to small things and I am so confused about my feelings right now. Well I guess we'll know more after I go to the doctors.

-Lots of Love
Audi

Resolved

Yesterday things became resolved a little. He loves me and we are going to do everything to make this relationship work and it will work. This time I'm putting in all my chips. I'm trusting him again or at least trying to. He can't break my heart this time. He makes me happy in the moment but when I'm home by myself all I can think about is how fat I am and how he deserves better. I have to remember that I am working on that though and he knows it. He loves me and that's all that matters anymore, that and that he wants this all to work out. 

-Lots of Love

Audi

This is Going to Work

I'm done. I will make him miss me like no other. I will make him realize that he loves me and needs me. I am not texting or calling first anymore. I am not instigating where or when we are hanging out. I am making him make all the moves and knowing that he doesn't do that very often, we won't talk much or see each other for very long, but maybe that will do him some good.

-Lots of Love
Audi

This is My Space

I keep getting freaked out that if I post more that one post a day people are going to be like "wtf you talk too much." Honestly, two things, one: no one reads this fucking blog anyways, two: this is my blog and I can post as many fucking times in a day as I want. I hate profanity out loud, but on here, it really helps me express what I need to say before I yell at that person for real.

-Lots of Love
Audi

I'd Give Anything...

Talked to him a bit last night. We are spending a short time apart but he said that he was feeling really good until he had to run errands for me and my mom, or when I called or texted he didn't feel good anymore. I am not sure what that means to him, but from my end it sounds as if he's happier when I'm not around. I can't imagine a life with out him. He doesn't believe in true love, but I know with all my body, mind, soul, and heart that he is the one that I want to be with for the rest of my life. It makes things really hard sometimes when he is so logical and I am so imaginative and creative. I used to love Disney and now all I can think about is how they lied to me, gave me false hope for the future. Disney tricked me into believing that when you find "the one" he will also think that you are "the one" and you will live "happily ever after." Obviously not the case, but I took all my bad experiences with guys and blew them off because I was never IN LOVE with them. I am IN LOVE with David. I am head over heels for this guy. I am drowning in happiness most of the time until this past month. Sometimes I get so happy thinking about how I have him that I cry. I cry out of love and happiness that God gave him to me. I just need to figure out how to keep him here. I'm not sure I can...

-Lots of Love
Audi

Life is Fucked

I know I haven't written in a really long time, and I am sorry for the language that I am about to use all through this post, but life is really fucked for me right now. I feel like everything that I once had has disappeared in a matter of minutes. Within this past year I learned that my fiance had thought about having sex with my friend but then really didn't, I got into my first car accident, got my first flat tire (on the day of finals at my college mind you), my dad got hit by a car while riding his bike, I got my first feelings of jealousy, and for a short time I learned what it was like to have the love of your life basically tell you they don't love or want you anymore and it's partially because you gained weight from his eating habits. Other than losing my fiance, I don't see how this year could possibly get any worse. I literally experienced physical heart pains while I was crying after my fiance broke up with me. Physical pain from an emotional thing. How does that even happen. I couldn't breath. I felt like I was dying. I have never ever cried that hard and uncontrollably in my entire life. When I got into my first accident I was bawling my eyes out and I remember saying, "God, how could my life possibly get any worse?" Then I got my flat tire and I said "Haha God this really isn't funny, I didn't mean for you to really show me how bad my life could get." Then my dad got hit by a car and now I feel like I'm losing my fiance. These are all things that I can't fix. Things that I can't control and it's killing me. Especially because even though most of them aren't my fault I feel like deep down they are and there had to have been some way that I could have at least prevented some of them. Things were going so well in my life and I knew they were too good to be true, I just didn't expect everything to fall apart so fast. I've never been this happy for this long. My fiance made that possible and losing him is like losing the thing that I use to breath. I just want to know what he wants. I don't want him to be confused. I want to know what's happening, what are we doing, what's going on...but no one knows. No one knows anything. No one can tell me anything. Meanwhile my entire world is crumbling to pieces. I just want to be happy with him like we used to be. I just want to be with him and be the source of his happiness...that would make me happy. Anyway I am going to stop typing because I am crying so hard I can't really see the keys or screen anymore...


-Lots of Love
Audi