Thursday, May 31, 2012

Last Week of School

So, I'm expecting that to suck A. Yes, A from Pretty Little Liars, as in Anonymous, will be sucked. We are going to be on a bus with people that I hate for eight hours with out being able to use any electronics. I don't see that ending well at all. At least when I'm stuck inside the house while everyone is having fun on the beach I'll have all my electronics. Hopefully there will be WiFi so that I can type on here. That's basically my only worry. I won't have music, and I won't be able to blog.

Wednesday, May 30, 2012


(Jason Mraz- I Won't Give Up On Us needs to be listened to while reading this blog entry)
For sure it is one of the two best cartoons in the whole world. The second being Scooby Doo. Rugrats was my favorite show all through my childhood. Not to mention its one of the only ways to keep me quiet and still for a long period of time. I long for those years again. Everything felt so easy, I felt like I was free, like I could touch the stars. When my parents actually loved and trusted me,and let me do my own thing. The punishment for the small things was small and for the larger things still wasn't so bad. Now, the punishment for the small things is the same as the larger ones. Sometimes I wonder how different it would have been if my mom hadn't had me at 18, and let my father walk off not knowing he was a father. If he was around, or even if i hadn't been born till later on or never. I wonder how much it would have helped her and me. Would she have stayed with him? Would we be as close as we are now if he was still around? Would the discipline be any different if he knew I existed, or if he was around? I wonder if he knew...would he have even stayed? I just feel like I need him to answer my questions before I can move on. I know it sounds stupid, and people try to tell me that to know myself I don't need to know him. It's like all the typical dramatic movies except I'm living it. To be honest, I don't need to know him to know myself, because him not being here is a part of me. Still, he is a part of me that  I really want to know. Sometimes I wish that I was even a little normal so that I could fit in. I don't need the damn pity that they all think that they have to give to me because of what I've been through. In truth, all the hardships that I've faces have made me that strong and understanding person that I am. I will now always stand up for myself because I've learned that I won't get anything I want or anything done if I don't stand up for myself. I am open and brutally honest, and I'm almost to the point where I am embracing who I am and loving myself. I won't give up on myself or anyone else because I know what it's like to have everyone around you that you love and care about not believe in what you are trying to do and completely give up on you amounting to anything. My parents even asked me the day I turned 16 if I thought that I should drop out and stop wasting their money. That was probably the deffining moment for me. That was when I realized that I wanted to make something of myself that is going to be better than anything that they could ever amount to. That I wanted to work in a job that would help people. I wanted to shove every successes that I was ever going to make in their faces, prove them so utterly wrong that they would feel the worst kind of sorry and sadness that they had ever doubted me. I now know exactly what I want in my life and I want to make all of it happen for myself and for my future kids. They will for sure have better than I ever had. That's my goal in life. I'll do anything to make it happen...


So I'm glad that there are only like three people that read this, although I sometimes do wish there were more. Strangers that I could relate to, not in a creepy way, but just to know that I'm not alone. So apparently my hair today reminds certain people of a cocker spaniel. Its ridiculous the things that people can think up. Anyways, I'm almost being pulled into a whole new part in the play. Hopefully it wont turn out that way because I don't want to memorize those lines in only four days, or really only one because everyone is supposed to be off book by tomorrow. I also have a new stalker on Facebook, as if two wasn't enough. He's an old crush. Now hes back after blocking me on Facebook and changing his phone number. He's saying that he misses me like crazy and is wondering if there is any chance that we'll get back together. Here's the thing. I am MADLY in love and I don't ever plan on leaving this guy because I'll never find anything better. He's the best thing that's ever happened to me. He listens, treats me right, loves me, understands or at least tries to, deals with all my moods and shit that I pull. He's something that I would never be able to find again and so I don't plan on giving him up. Truthfully he's the only thing that matters to me and his opinion is the only one that I really listen to . it's unavoidable passion. He's my thing. My muse. My love. My home. My heart. My best friend. My faith. My hope. My everything.

Picky picky

Why do I have to be pulled into this? I've been putting up suggestions since day one but she's too damn picky to do a simple poster and now I'm getting in trouble for doing nothing. I can't help it that she doesn't want a simply eight and a half by eleven poster to work off of. She wants huge posters but sh cant decide how she wants them done. She also wants to do the pictures her way. How am I supposed to do anything productive if she shuts down my every idea. I can't do shit if my partner isn't cooperative or can't compromise. It makes everything that I'm trying to do that much more difficult. It's something that I am trying so hard to do but for some reason she is just so unwilling. I seriously doubt that this group will get anything done with her trying to be the ringleader.

Friday, May 25, 2012


So yes...I do believe in fairies, ghosts, demons, angels, etc. People simply just don't see/hear/feel what I do and that makes all the difference. They don't understand, and don't try to. They don't want to believe, don't want to let in any widespread disbelief and risk being outcast from society. It's only make believe if you don't have faith anymore and to be honest most of the world has lost its faith, hope, and frankly their dignity. It's not something I look forward to my kids growing up in. They deserve better than the shit that we have mindlessly created for them.

It's Only a Paper Moon...

So I'm feeling pretty good today, and there's a chance of rain. It's not very sunny which means it will give my hives from the sun a chance to die down. Really with the skin that I have I shouldn't be living in California. It's not the smartest idea my family has had. So that's pretty much my day so far. Also, apparently this morning there was an old parent volunteer who had simply gone of the deep end at our school office. She had no clothes on, and was talking about how she was looking for someone that no one knew. It was pretty funny for that to be the first thing you see when arriving to school. The only problem was that it was in the lower school, and that was what most of the little kids also saw when first arriving to school. Another one of my life long dreams will never come true. Honestly I knew they were old, but I never expected MCA from the Beastie Boys to die. He will be missed. I know its really pathetic, but I cried when I first heard the news. I'm scared. Life is so obviously short. I'm scared of college, of moving out, of getting married, of having a kid. It's so overwhelming, but I want to take every opportunity I'm given because I fell like I could die at any moment in time. I want to live life out like I want to not how I'm told to. I just need people to put a little trust in me...

Thursday, May 24, 2012

Shut the HELL up

I don't want to hear it. I have my opinions and that's that. I don't need any of your input because I can do it all n my own. I know how to manage, I've learned. I think that you all are thinking about how stupid I am and that I'm just another bimbo know it all bitch, but truthfully get to know me before you start talking that shit. Give me a fucking chance before you turn me down. I can't wait till college. I'm ready for this shit. I'm ready to go out, and make my own rules. I'm ready to be out past fucking 11. i'm ready to be out in the world partying and happy. Ha. Don't make that fucking face at me. I may be a bitch but at least I'm honest. I mean you don't have to lie to be nice. That's not truly being nice. Seriously stop looking at me and laughing. Your the bitch here. Really this is fucking bull. Get out of here. Take a picture and throw darts at it but please stop staring at me. Really I'm not that pretty please stop :p. Fuck off. Better yet, go fuck yourself on a webcam. I am so tired of your bitchy looks and you dumb ass comments. You and my ass hole neighbor should get married. You'd be perfect for each other. You both have this unspoken hate towards me and both try to make me seem like and idiot. Maybe you two could start plotting out plans together. Dane Cook always has a way of making me feel better I have to say. And he's not really that bad looking either. I think I'm really tired and that's why I am so pissy today. I have to say that if Italian, frozen yogurt, and fruit never existed, I would be so much skinnier. those deffinatly are my weaknesses. I feel bad for the little kid class next to our room we are using because my class is in there blasting the song "shots" on the piano and drums and the poor little kids are in band in the next room. Crystal Castles. That's the band for me. I love dancing to them. I am wearing a skirt today, which I don't do very often. Let me tell you, I remember why I never wear them, especially with out shorts underneath, because you can't do shit in skirts and dresses. I feel like this blog is just going to drag on forever because I keep adding onto it through out the day. And it's all random, and the subject changes make no sense, but why should I care because this is my blog and I can write it however I want to right? What are they even saying in the song "Air War"? Is it supposed to mean something because from what I do understand them saying it makes no sense. I love the singer Lights. Her voice makes me so happy. I <3 U. ForEver. If this war is never ending, I'll take this love down with me like a banner. I think that I want to bring my ipod speakers tomorrow, maybe to sing along with. I love to sing. Just not in front of anyone. I am afraid of rejection in that area. I am so glad I don't have to sing in the play, I would turn so red and start to shake and you'd be able to hear it in my voice and it would just be very bad. So yum. I just ate my lunch, water, a fiber 1 bar, and a pear. And now I"m listening to shuffle on my itunes. Its an O.K. day I suppose. Ddd. I love art. I've gained a new idol. I'm not sure if I've named her but her name is Ariana Grande. She's absolutely gorgeous. That word is so weird. Gorgeous. Its spelled weird. I'm sitting in an empty room and its weird because everyone is out to lunch. I have the wierdest taste in music. If you were to listen to my ipod on shuffle, you'd think it was a mix of like five different people at the lest. It's insane. My arms get cold in February air. Someone is seriously going to get their ear bitten off today. I swear. Twinkle twinkle little Star ship.

Nate FUcK FaceBooK TroLLs

Seriously...LEAVE ME ALONE. Yeah I said that I would add you if you stopped commenting on my things and talking to me. Even though you promised, your still doing it. I don't need your bullshit pitty and like I don't need your protection. I mean its nice and all but listen, I'm  a big girl and I can take care of myself. Besides you ain't serious about any of it which is crap. Leave me the fuck alone. I'm tired of dealing with fake bullshit douche bag guys that pretend to like me and pretend to be nice and be friends with me. The girls that do it are bad too, but I know how to get rid of them. Why is it so hard to get rid of you?

Much Ado About Nothing

So we are basing our Shakespeare play in the 1940's which should be fun, but I suspect that the rest of it is going to suck for me. I am a tiny part, an extra with no lines. I wont fit in any of the costumes because, to put it in a nice way, I am way to fucking curvy for these girls. Other than that I feel like this is going to go by so slow. I have no lines to memorize, I don't have anything else to work on so basically I'm sitting here every day doing nothing. On Facebook and this shit all day every day. I have no life, kill me. Anyways after the play is senior trip which I have already said is going to be a complete drag considering that I am deathly afraid of water and I'm allergic to the sun. O.K. It's really hard to talk about how much of a bad mood I'm in while listening to Wallpaper. "Ddd" and "STUPiDFACEDD." Best songs to make anyone feel better. Also Girlicious "Drank." simply ridiculous songs. Ddd Ddd da di da. I don't know whatcha mean, but I'm really glad you're feelin me. OH SHIT. I love you all hella much. Thanks for reading my whiney complaining shit. <3 Don't you ever stop loving me. ;) 

Saturday, May 12, 2012

Bimbo and Douchebag Competition

So my boyfriend and his friends started a competition on who could be the most douche bag or bimbo twitter user and I said straight out that I could win. The fact is I did win, by a lot. They have hated me all along and I never even noticed. My boyfriend said that when we broke up for a day all they said was you'll get over it, and when I won the competition they said that the only reason that he even let me hang out with them or join their competition or any of that was because he's whipped. You know what? They can all just go fuck themselves. They are such ass holes. My boyfriend needs to cleans his life and seriously get some new friends. I feel really bad for home. Almost all of his friends are ass holes to me and him and he doesn't really care or do much about it. I try to help him and he knows whats wrong with them but he wont even try to get new friends. It breaks my heart to see what he has to put up with every day, but I suppose that is his way of life. Course classes end on friday then the play starts that meant we don't start school until 8:30 AM and get an hour lunch at 12:15! So excited. Still not looking forward to Senior trip and am still planning to get out of it. It will happen. End of story.