I'm not sure

I am vowing to write more because I really miss doing it. Even if I don't have anything to write about I am going to make a short post like this one just to get me writing crave out.

Hitler

You know, I saw a shirt today that said "The number of followers you have does not make you better than anyone else. Hitler had millions. Jesus had 12" and I thought to myself that that is the truth. We care so much about how many people see how amazing we are. we put ourselves up to be judged like a show. We practically give our personal lives to people to make them interested in us so that we can show off our numbers on all the social networks. I also read a quote today that said "I'd rather have four quarters than one hundred pennies." We don't think of things in those terms but it totally makes sense.

Vacations

A lot of people take vacations with their friend with out adult supervision, especially now that they are in college. I thought that this would be my year to do that. I was going to go to my grandparents with a couple friends and visit, and for my birthday I was going to go to Santa Cruz with a few of my close friends for three days. I have been waiting for trips like these my entire life. I've been invited on trips like these, but my parents never trusted me so I was never allowed to go. I love taking road trips and it has been my dream for the longest time just to travel to random places with the people I hold the closest. I feel like around my friends I can be myself but if I'm around family I have to hold back and try to be "good." It really isn't fair and that is why I cannot wait to move out. The problem is I just got a job. That gets rid of all my summer trips. I also realized that I am going to have to be in community college for another year and a semester which is a semester more than I had planed. That gives me time to save so that I can move out. It's a long time to wait for some freedom seeing as I have already waited 18+ years for this little bit of freedom. I need to get out of here before my head explodes. I feel trapped. Even though our house is large I feel claustrophobic and overprotected as if we are living in a one room cabin. I feel like the only way to escape my family is to go to school and that's why I take the maximum amount of units every semester including summers. I really appreciate all that my parents do for me, but I really need some independence. I'm ready to move on.

Second Chances

People always say how nice I am and how good of a friend I am. They say I'm really good at being non-judgmental. They obviously don't hear what I say, and don't realize that once you screw me over I'm done. There are no second chances with me. I don't trust people in the first place and if you have taken the time to gain my trust you have no right to screw that up. Just know that when you do, I will ruin your life and make myself like the victim. I will shut you out and get everyone else to shut you out too. Don't try me.

I Hate You

I hate people who park wrong and I hate people who set off firecrackers at all times of the day and I hate people that don't clean up their TP lawns but rather blow it with a leaf blower all over everyone elses and I hate people who think that it's funny to stare and whisper and I hate people that judge me because of my weight and I hate companies that don't carry plus sized just so that they can keep their "image" and I hate friends who are super flakey and I hate small cars and I hate motorcycles that park in the car spaces when there are designated motorcycle spaces open in the first row and I hate people who are watching a movie on a plane and then recite everything that is happening to their relative next to them I mean why cant your relative just watch the damn movie too and I really hate people who don't look at you when your talking to them and I hate bees and I hate water and I hate watches and I hate adults who think it's OK to make fun of children and pick on them even if it's their own kids too and I hate people who say that Disney is crap and it has all these hidden messages and its wrong and disturbing I mean did you see that when you were little and watched those movies? were you just a little 5 year old searching for sexual innuendos in all  your cartoons stop it and I really hate people that don't like songs by a certain person but can't admit that even though their songs may suck they still have a good voice and I hate people who stare at you at the gym I mean don't you have anything better to do stop looking at me because I don't want to have to stare back until your creeped out and I really really really really hate girls who act like their stupid boys don't like you better if your dumb so seriously just stop being an air head and I hate guys who drive crappy cars and then rev their engines like they are so cool stop it your car is ridiculously shitty and no one cares and I hate obnoxious and loud neighbors that are up at all hours of the night sitting outside talking or using power tools or throwing really really loud stupid high school parties stop not before I call the cops for a noise complaint and if you get caught under age drinking too well all the better for me and I hate people who rake their leaves into the storm drain bitch this is not Portland there is no service coming by to pick up your leaves and I hate people who see you walking and as they drive by they yell something out their window I mean really even if your complimenting me that is the most annoying turn off in the entire world and I hate people who think they are so cool because they have a lot a money or only wear name brands like no one gives a fuck what your wearing and people are going to use you for that money if you flaunt it like that and I hate cocky guys who can't get a girlfriend but they act like your lesser than them and they could get another girl in seconds I mean jerk you be like 3 inches shorter than me and you a lil chubby and your whinny you don't take good care of your dog you've had her for two years and she's still not potty trained I'm going to call animal control on you douche and you are so obsessed with looks that you said when you get married you wouldn't be able so stand a girl without makeup even when your sleeping you want her to wake up earlier than you and get pretty before you see her face like WTF is wrong with you in general I just really really really really hate people

Super exciting week

So I had to go to the ER on Sunday night because I was having serious stomach pains. The pained started around one, but only got really bad around eight. The problem was that the pain was shifting to my lower right side and was getting really severe. We thought that I might have appendicitis and the only place that was open at ten was the hospital. We got there and spent forever trying to figure out what was wrong. I got my first IV and CT scan. I was in so much pain until they gave me morphine. We found out that my bowels were infected and awoken lymph-nodes were causing the pain. The real problem was that I had my first day of school on Monday and couldn't go because I didn't get home till 3 an I was on pain medication. I went to school on Tuesday, but the first and second class had the same lecture so I went home early. I had my first full day of school today and since I really like history it was fine.

Wtf boys

My boyfriend's definition of spending time with me is being at my house. He plays games, is on his phone, is sleeping, or were at the movies and the only way I gat to be with him is if I physically am sitting there next to him amusing myself. He hardly ever listens to me and he doesn't seem to appreciate all the things I do for him. I didn't put gas in my car because I forgot so naturally I asked him to drive me. He got annoyed that he had to drive me to my school which is literally 5 minutes away so that I could go to class. He says he kept telling me to get gas but he only told me twice and that wasn't even during our break times so there was nothing I could have done in that moment. As if he's never forgotten anything before, an as if i wouldn't have driven him if he didn't have gas. He locked his keys in his room and I got ready just to drive there to give him his spare and he can't take a few minutes of his precious time to drop me off to school! He doesn't do homework till the last minute he has plenty of opportunities before then to do it but he crams it all and that's why he has no time. I love him, but damn, I'm sorry that I wanted a few minutes of your time.

Are you for real?

I was pissed off last summer when you sent me away to San Diego with about 50 people that I absolutely hated and now your making me go to mexico. Honestly, the people I can avoid, the sun, sand, and water, I can't. I am already making myself a happier person but on the inside, I'm not doing so great. I finally got to a place where I'm feeling good, loosing weight, dieting, happy, making friends, and all around better that I was senior year and you decide to drag me away from the only thing that's making me happy. For what? To keep me cooped up in a hotel room for a week because I'm afraid of water, hate sand, and get serious rashes not to mention serious burning from the sun. I mean honestly, what compelled you to want to drag me to a place that is not only all those things, but JUST all those things. I honestly feel like I"m alone here. Do you not see how I'm going to suffer. I see how you really care, you're just ignorant at times. Try looking at things through my eyes. I'm no a happy person in a happy place, I'm miserable  and to take me somewhere for a week where I'll hate even more than San Diego, is cruel. It's not that I don't love you or think that you don't love me, it's just that sometimes I think you'd rather throw me under the bus to make you three happy then do one thing to make me happy.

26 going on 4

Who gave you the fucking right to be acting like a four year old? Your 26, your the eldest of the three boys, and you live at home. Mind you this is under your mothers roof and since you don't help her out in any way even though she's loosing  her house, you have to live under her rules. She wanted to get rid of the dog, and we were tired of seeing it being neglected and shoved in the garage for 12 hours a day. We were trying to help her for the better of her health because you didn't have the time to take care of her. You can't be mad at us for doing what your mom asked, and frankly doing the right thing. So what do you do to get over loosing your dog? You don't talk to anyone that's for sure. No. Here's what you do. You disappear for a few days, then lock yourself in your room and change your mother's WiFi password. The worst part is you start taking out your rage on another poor innocent animal. You take my bf's cat and you pour water on her, push her, throw away all her food, shove her food bowl in the kitty litter, throw away all her extra liter, her litter box, her brand new scratching post, and anything else you can find and then you decide that since your huge pitbull that was living in the garage all day had to be sent back to the pound because of neglect that your brother's cat who is well taken care of and well loved and even easier to take care of because cats don't need walks or as much attention as dogs, should now also be taken, not to the pound, but so that you can drop her off on the street somewhere far away. What the hell is wrong with you. How could you possibly think that it's o.k. to take out your anger on animals? I mean really are you four years old? You need to grow the fuck up honestly because your sick. That cat did nothing to you and you have no right to take the anger that you have because of something that your mom and your brother did out on an innocent animal. Also, just to let you know, if I decide to call the cops, as of 1988 in California you can receive up to a 3 year sentence or a $20,000 fine for animal cruelty.

Amber Alert

They made a film about the amber alert and this event that happened because of it. These teen kids followed this car that was listed on the amber alert signs and ended up not receiving help all day no matter how many times they called the cops. So they follow him to his house and go in and find the girl in a cage and take her out and their almost out of the house when the teen girl is shot in the back of the head. The teen boy then shoots the guy and the guy shoots him. All three die but the little girl is found and returned to her family the next morning. Then I watched this movie on 9/11 and I realized that I watch all these things and cry my eyes out because that's all I want to do in life. I want to help all these people who don't get the help they need. I want to go into the Criminal Justice Career and take it seriously. I want to  help people who can't help themselves. People don't take their career seriously enough to take the calls and warning signs that they are getting as a serious threat because they think they are better than that. I think watching the plane crash into that building caused more emotion for me than I have ever felt in my entire life.

...and I was like, why are you so obsessed with me?

I mean really, you texted and called me for a year after we broke up trying to get back together. It got so bad that I blocked your number. Then, you started harassing me on Facebook, sending me messages and posting on my wall so finally I had to block you. Now all those guys that you used to be friends with talk to me at school all the time about  how much of a douche you are and how they found god and all that. Honestly, I'm tired of hearing about you. I don't give a shit if your a satanist, and I don't care if you still live with your parents. I hate that they feel the need to walk up to me when I haven't talked to them for over a year and remind me of what a shit head you were and still are. What the hell is going through their minds. I broke up with him why the fuck would I know how he's doing or whats going on in his life, and why would I even want to know. He was manipulative and almost abusive. I don't care. Stop bringing it up Shitheads. Love Audi.

I've been thinking too much

So since I only have classes on mondays and wednesdays really, I should be writing more often, but I've been thinking a lot lately. I know that I want to go into forensics, and I know that I want to move out into a small apartment. One of the ones where you walk into the kitchen and the living room, and then theres a small hallway and on one side is the bedroom and the other is the bathroom and thats it. I want to live in an apartment even after I get married, until I have kids and getting a house is an absolute must. I like small spaces. Big spaces really freak me out. I don't really make friends in class because I feel like they would be a distraction and I'm trying my best to give my classes everything I have so that I can finish school and get my amazing dream job. I feel like all success means to me is to be happy with myself, and where my life is going. I want to move in with my boyfriend and be happy and together and honestly not be so scared all the time. I've had a really amazing school year and I feel like this new year has really proved itself to be better than any years before and when I move out it'll only get better.

The closet door won't close

I'm babysitting a dog. Her name is Leah. She and my dog are currently sleeping on my bed, and I'm not sure which one, but one of them has the smelliest farts in the entire world. I watch Dr.Phil to keep me company. Some people really piss me off. Why cant you care about the environment? There are things that I won't do, but I still love you. It's hard loosing weight. I feel like being this big makes me not feel good in my clothes anymore. I feel like I have to start school over every semester. I'm really nervous about school. I have a lot of classes that are required, but also a lot of classes that I want to take. That causes a problem for me. It looks like I'll be taking a lot of summer classes. I'm really happy at this school. I'm really happy taking all these classes. I love college and it's not something that I find difficult  because I want to be there and to take a ton of classes and to have a lot of work to do. It keeps me busy and I like that.

I haven't seen your face in a while.

I had a rough year senior year of high school. I'll admit that my bad attitude didn't really help. Of course, I had to be reminded of it this winter break. Oh yeah! Audi! We should totally hang out or do something together I miss you so much. No calls, no texts, no known psychic messages. WTF you think I am? Stupid? I knew you weren't ever going to try and hangout with me but what I didn't see coming were the one message from each of you asking to plan to hang out later.  How are we supposed to plan anything if you don't make an effort to make contact with me. The people that I thought weren't my friends ended up being the good friends. My best friends (other than Ari) ended up being the ones that never want anything to do with me. It's weird how things work out after high school. Please don't be an AH and message me when you don't really want to. Big thanks! Love Audi <3