Wednesday, April 22, 2015

Why Do I Have to Feel Like Shit

I sit at home and give him time to think and be alone, and he uses that to hang out with friends. I want to go with him places to hang out and talk. I like to go to school with him because otherwise that means I'm home alone all day and I hate being alone. He says he only doesn't want me to go because he's afraid I'll get bored but then why would he be fighting this hard to keep me away. He looks at girls. I've know that. All guys do that. All the girls at his school have no curves, are flat tummied, and are tan and pretty. I have curves, always will, I'm working on the flat tummy but even when I used to weight 120 I didn't have a flat tummy, and I'll never be tan or have that amazing natural California beauty. I'm not from here. It kills me to know that he can look at all these other amazing girls all day and then he has to come home to this bullshit. Which is why I'm changing it. I'm getting to a better weight because I feel ashamed of myself and my body. He deserves better than this and I want to give him the best that I can. Losing weight is a long process even eating 1000 a day and working out on top of that. It doesn't move fast enough for me to feel happy about it. And because I feel so insecure about my weight again, it's effecting how I feel about our relationship. I feel like he could run off with plenty of better looking girls. He's really good looking. He could be taken away from me at any moment which is why my weight needs to change fast. I'll do anything. I feel like when he moves away, there's nothing I can do at that point. I'll never know what he's doing or who he's with. That never used to matter to me until I lost some of my trust in him. He won't be coming home to me because I'll be living elsewhere for a year. So, will he be coming home to an empty house every day, or someone else. And this is why I need counseling and anxiety medication. This stress and anxiety has literally taken over my entire life. I need help. Soon. I need him to look at me like I see him looking at those other girls. Soon.

-Lots of Love
Audi