Saturday, April 18, 2015

Life is Fucked

I know I haven't written in a really long time, and I am sorry for the language that I am about to use all through this post, but life is really fucked for me right now. I feel like everything that I once had has disappeared in a matter of minutes. Within this past year I learned that my fiance had thought about having sex with my friend but then really didn't, I got into my first car accident, got my first flat tire (on the day of finals at my college mind you), my dad got hit by a car while riding his bike, I got my first feelings of jealousy, and for a short time I learned what it was like to have the love of your life basically tell you they don't love or want you anymore and it's partially because you gained weight from his eating habits. Other than losing my fiance, I don't see how this year could possibly get any worse. I literally experienced physical heart pains while I was crying after my fiance broke up with me. Physical pain from an emotional thing. How does that even happen. I couldn't breath. I felt like I was dying. I have never ever cried that hard and uncontrollably in my entire life. When I got into my first accident I was bawling my eyes out and I remember saying, "God, how could my life possibly get any worse?" Then I got my flat tire and I said "Haha God this really isn't funny, I didn't mean for you to really show me how bad my life could get." Then my dad got hit by a car and now I feel like I'm losing my fiance. These are all things that I can't fix. Things that I can't control and it's killing me. Especially because even though most of them aren't my fault I feel like deep down they are and there had to have been some way that I could have at least prevented some of them. Things were going so well in my life and I knew they were too good to be true, I just didn't expect everything to fall apart so fast. I've never been this happy for this long. My fiance made that possible and losing him is like losing the thing that I use to breath. I just want to know what he wants. I don't want him to be confused. I want to know what's happening, what are we doing, what's going on...but no one knows. No one knows anything. No one can tell me anything. Meanwhile my entire world is crumbling to pieces. I just want to be happy with him like we used to be. I just want to be with him and be the source of his happiness...that would make me happy. Anyway I am going to stop typing because I am crying so hard I can't really see the keys or screen anymore...

-Lots of Love

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