Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Rugrats

(Jason Mraz- I Won't Give Up On Us needs to be listened to while reading this blog entry)
For sure it is one of the two best cartoons in the whole world. The second being Scooby Doo. Rugrats was my favorite show all through my childhood. Not to mention its one of the only ways to keep me quiet and still for a long period of time. I long for those years again. Everything felt so easy, I felt like I was free, like I could touch the stars. When my parents actually loved and trusted me,and let me do my own thing. The punishment for the small things was small and for the larger things still wasn't so bad. Now, the punishment for the small things is the same as the larger ones. Sometimes I wonder how different it would have been if my mom hadn't had me at 18, and let my father walk off not knowing he was a father. If he was around, or even if i hadn't been born till later on or never. I wonder how much it would have helped her and me. Would she have stayed with him? Would we be as close as we are now if he was still around? Would the discipline be any different if he knew I existed, or if he was around? I wonder if he knew...would he have even stayed? I just feel like I need him to answer my questions before I can move on. I know it sounds stupid, and people try to tell me that to know myself I don't need to know him. It's like all the typical dramatic movies except I'm living it. To be honest, I don't need to know him to know myself, because him not being here is a part of me. Still, he is a part of me that  I really want to know. Sometimes I wish that I was even a little normal so that I could fit in. I don't need the damn pity that they all think that they have to give to me because of what I've been through. In truth, all the hardships that I've faces have made me that strong and understanding person that I am. I will now always stand up for myself because I've learned that I won't get anything I want or anything done if I don't stand up for myself. I am open and brutally honest, and I'm almost to the point where I am embracing who I am and loving myself. I won't give up on myself or anyone else because I know what it's like to have everyone around you that you love and care about not believe in what you are trying to do and completely give up on you amounting to anything. My parents even asked me the day I turned 16 if I thought that I should drop out and stop wasting their money. That was probably the deffining moment for me. That was when I realized that I wanted to make something of myself that is going to be better than anything that they could ever amount to. That I wanted to work in a job that would help people. I wanted to shove every successes that I was ever going to make in their faces, prove them so utterly wrong that they would feel the worst kind of sorry and sadness that they had ever doubted me. I now know exactly what I want in my life and I want to make all of it happen for myself and for my future kids. They will for sure have better than I ever had. That's my goal in life. I'll do anything to make it happen...