I Write These For Myself

I like writing. I don't mind people reading my writings. But honestly I write these so that I can help myself figure things out. I know someone is saying to themselves "then write a private journal." I am hoping that by keeping these public, if anyone else is having these problems they can know that they are not the only ones and they can contact me. I wanna be here to help people through my own experience. I hate feeling like I'm all alone or I'm the only crazy one out there who feels this way so I don't want others to feel like that. I want everyone to feel welcome. Except Kanyon Smith and Dani Schneider. They will never ever ever ever be welcome. They ruined my life in a way that I can never forgive.

-Lots of Love
Audi

Meds

My ADD is acting up really bad. I've been forgetting everything! Even big things. This is what happened before I took the meds. Then I decided to get through college without them and I was doing so well. Now, I'm back to where I started. Not only that, My anxiety is through the roof. Maybe I need medication for that too. I've taken over 7 tests online and all have been a result of over 75%. I need a real test. One from the doctor or psychiatrist. I need something or I am not going to make it. Especially when I move away from everyone. My life is a huge emotional roller coaster right now and I don't know if it needs to be. I'm reacting to huge things, and carrying that reaction over to small things and I am so confused about my feelings right now. Well I guess we'll know more after I go to the doctors.

-Lots of Love
Audi

Resolved

Yesterday things became resolved a little. He loves me and we are going to do everything to make this relationship work and it will work. This time I'm putting in all my chips. I'm trusting him again or at least trying to. He can't break my heart this time. He makes me happy in the moment but when I'm home by myself all I can think about is how fat I am and how he deserves better. I have to remember that I am working on that though and he knows it. He loves me and that's all that matters anymore, that and that he wants this all to work out. 

-Lots of Love

Audi

This is Going to Work

I'm done. I will make him miss me like no other. I will make him realize that he loves me and needs me. I am not texting or calling first anymore. I am not instigating where or when we are hanging out. I am making him make all the moves and knowing that he doesn't do that very often, we won't talk much or see each other for very long, but maybe that will do him some good.

-Lots of Love
Audi

This is My Space

I keep getting freaked out that if I post more that one post a day people are going to be like "wtf you talk too much." Honestly, two things, one: no one reads this fucking blog anyways, two: this is my blog and I can post as many fucking times in a day as I want. I hate profanity out loud, but on here, it really helps me express what I need to say before I yell at that person for real.

-Lots of Love
Audi

I'd Give Anything...

Talked to him a bit last night. We are spending a short time apart but he said that he was feeling really good until he had to run errands for me and my mom, or when I called or texted he didn't feel good anymore. I am not sure what that means to him, but from my end it sounds as if he's happier when I'm not around. I can't imagine a life with out him. He doesn't believe in true love, but I know with all my body, mind, soul, and heart that he is the one that I want to be with for the rest of my life. It makes things really hard sometimes when he is so logical and I am so imaginative and creative. I used to love Disney and now all I can think about is how they lied to me, gave me false hope for the future. Disney tricked me into believing that when you find "the one" he will also think that you are "the one" and you will live "happily ever after." Obviously not the case, but I took all my bad experiences with guys and blew them off because I was never IN LOVE with them. I am IN LOVE with David. I am head over heels for this guy. I am drowning in happiness most of the time until this past month. Sometimes I get so happy thinking about how I have him that I cry. I cry out of love and happiness that God gave him to me. I just need to figure out how to keep him here. I'm not sure I can...

-Lots of Love
Audi

Life is Fucked

I know I haven't written in a really long time, and I am sorry for the language that I am about to use all through this post, but life is really fucked for me right now. I feel like everything that I once had has disappeared in a matter of minutes. Within this past year I learned that my fiance had thought about having sex with my friend but then really didn't, I got into my first car accident, got my first flat tire (on the day of finals at my college mind you), my dad got hit by a car while riding his bike, I got my first feelings of jealousy, and for a short time I learned what it was like to have the love of your life basically tell you they don't love or want you anymore and it's partially because you gained weight from his eating habits. Other than losing my fiance, I don't see how this year could possibly get any worse. I literally experienced physical heart pains while I was crying after my fiance broke up with me. Physical pain from an emotional thing. How does that even happen. I couldn't breath. I felt like I was dying. I have never ever cried that hard and uncontrollably in my entire life. When I got into my first accident I was bawling my eyes out and I remember saying, "God, how could my life possibly get any worse?" Then I got my flat tire and I said "Haha God this really isn't funny, I didn't mean for you to really show me how bad my life could get." Then my dad got hit by a car and now I feel like I'm losing my fiance. These are all things that I can't fix. Things that I can't control and it's killing me. Especially because even though most of them aren't my fault I feel like deep down they are and there had to have been some way that I could have at least prevented some of them. Things were going so well in my life and I knew they were too good to be true, I just didn't expect everything to fall apart so fast. I've never been this happy for this long. My fiance made that possible and losing him is like losing the thing that I use to breath. I just want to know what he wants. I don't want him to be confused. I want to know what's happening, what are we doing, what's going on...but no one knows. No one knows anything. No one can tell me anything. Meanwhile my entire world is crumbling to pieces. I just want to be happy with him like we used to be. I just want to be with him and be the source of his happiness...that would make me happy. Anyway I am going to stop typing because I am crying so hard I can't really see the keys or screen anymore...


-Lots of Love
Audi