M

So let me tell you something new. I have this huge pet peeve. I cannot stand people who have some sort of problem with me, and then instead of talking to me about it, they talk to everyone else. Not only do they talk to everyone else but they send other people to talk to me about it instead of just talking to me about it. If you are 20 years old and you live one room over from me in the dorms, My roommate should not be coming over like she's your mom giving me a lecture on how rude I was being and that I owe you a sincere apology.Bitch why the fuck are you here? You are asking for an apology for another person when they are literally right there and could come talk to me themselves. This "problem" has nothing to do with you but you just dragged your fucking opinion through it. I don't care what you think about the problem or how you feel because you aren't involved. Get over yourself and get out of my fucking business. Then instead of talking to me again you go tell the RA when I never even thought the issue was that big of a deal because you never fucking told me it was. So now you've literally told everyone except me that we have a problem, and now the RA has to report me because that's her fucking job and you ahve ruined our friendship for good. I will never ever trust you again. I will never ever want to be your real friend. This is over. I will be civil and polite, but I don't like people who act like fucking preschoolers and cause drama for no reason.

Anyway, here's the simple ass story that caused this shit. M and I were passing a headband back and forth, then my roommate J joined in. All was fine. Then the headband fell into the trashcan and J was like "let's stop playing with that because I actually use that for my hair." So we said okay. M picks up an e.o.s. ball and says "let's start throwing this around instead." I said no because who wants a hard as e.o.s. ball being thrown around a room, but J decided it was okay. I said that I was going to read instead. J decided to throw the e.o.s. ball at me while I'm not paying attention because I'm reading, and it hits me. I get irritated and tell her she shouldn't throw things at people who aren't paying attention, and throw it back to her. She gets offensive and tells me that i don't have to throw things at her she was trying to hit my book not me and I was like sorry whatever. Then I went back to reading my book. Here is where everything went down hill.

I guess since J was trying to hit my book with the e.o.s. ball earlier, M got the great idea to just walk up to me and hit my book herself. The book hit my face and of course I got even more irritated. I put the book down thinking that J had thrown the ball at me again but she said she didn't. She said that M had hit my book. I looked over at M who was literally across the room now laughing her fucking ass off and I said seriously stop in a really pissed off tone. I then went back to reading my book. She decides that it would be really funny to do it again. I look at her and tell her to go away in a seriously pissed off tone at thins point and her and J are just laughing their fucking asses off. So I go to motion with my hands (because I talk with my hands and the madder I get the more wild the hand gesturing gets) and I hit her with the book. She says ow and I don't say anything because I am so pissed at this point that if I said sorry it wouldn't be true. She runs to her room and slams the door.

I leave it for the night because I'm not about to go bother someone who just slammed their door especially when I'm pissed off myself. Wake up the next day and J talks too me like nothing happened. I decide that when I get alone time with M I will apologize and all will be well, but I wanted to wait until I got her alone. Later in the day is when J comes in a gives me the lecture which pisses me off all over again. So I wasn't going to apologize to M when I was pissed because again I wouldn't mean it and it wouldn't have come out sounding sincere. So I waited until I cooled off, but didn't really get any alone time with M. Then my RA comes and talks to me and at that point I am livid because this dumb ass girl has talked to everyone about our problem except me and now I don't feel like she deserves my apology. She turned this stupid little problem into a permanent report on me. I will never forgive her and I'm, requesting for a new room next semester.

Girls are bitches and this is why I don't put my trust in them or befriend them.

Love,
Audi

Hot girls

That's comment you made about wanting to go on vacation with a hot girl and how I am not a hot girl really cut me deep. I can't stop thinking about it and it hurts. I'm doing the best I can I'm down a pant size in a month at this rate in three months I'll be back to the size I was when you met me. Be patient with me please. 

My heart hurts

You want to be with a skinny wife. You want to go on vacation with a hot girl, and I'm not that girl. I'm doing this as fast as I can. I am working so hard so you can see what I want to be and what you want me to be. I feel like nothing is working. This isn't going fast enough for either of us and my weight is causing you issues. It's making you want something different. I always knew I'd find the love of my life I just never imagined Id lose him. On top of that I never knew there was a pain this strong both emotionally and physically that can take you over when you think about losing that person and I definitely never thought I'd feel it.

Confused.

You want to be here with me. You want to work this out because you love me and you don't ever want to hurt me again. Sometimes you feel like we aren't a good match because of the problems that you have cause, but I have also caused my fair share of problems. You can't just run when  things get tough. That isn't how relationships work. We are going to fix this, and we are going to work out and you agree with that, but because you have seen me cry you seem to think that that is all your fault. I continuously explain that its not just you. It's stress, anxiety, your mom, that girl, my insecurities. This isn't all you. You are helping me through all this. If I didn't have you I'm not sure I'd make it. Your even my motivation to lose weight and be healthy because I know this isn't how I want to look and it's not how I want you to see me. I want you to see the best of me and I'm trying really hard to get there. In the process it will hurt, but you have to understand that it's for the better of us. All these things that are happening that you see as your fault, we are working through them to better our relationship and strengthen it. Running away won't do either of us any good.

What does she have that I don't have?

Does she give you butterflies? Does she make you blush? Does she make you feel better than I do? Does she make you happier than I do? I know she's skinnier than me but that can't be it can it? Do you get nervous before you talk to her? Like you have a crush? How can my weight be causing so much drama in this relationship? How can it make you start looking at other girls and getting crushes on other girls? I am literally ruining my relationship because I got fat. I don't think you've ever looked at me like that. I wanna be that girl that your proud to be with, proud to show off and brag about, proud to PDA to prove that I'm yours. 

He lied. Again.

He told me that he didn't have any feelings for that girl, that he didn't like her at all. He lied to me. He still has feeling for you and we lived two weeks on that lie and it took therapy for him to tell me he still likes her. My relationship is still in the hole. He can reassure me of anything because for him nothing is certain you never know what will happen so he doesn't know if he'll have feelings for me past today or be with me past today or if this relationship will go anywhere. What does that even mean? Are you even really in this relationship at all? Do you even hear what your saying? What made you love me and what has changed? Help me out here I feel like I'm drowning and there's no hope of savior. 

-Lots of Love 

Audi

Couples counseling

I hope this helps. I'm really nervous that talking about it again even in this safe of an environment will only make things worse. I still feel like he puts other people and their feeling before our relationship and me. That's something we will have to work on. I almost feel like I can't breath and I'm going to vomit. I get this way all the time when I'm nervous. Lately it's been happening more often. I just want to be happy again and trust him again and feel like I'm really beautiful again. All these insecurities that I have are really bringing down our relationship. I know that he feels like this is mostly his fault but I feel like I caused most of his issues or at least caused them to surface full blown crazy. If he ever left me again I don't know what I'd do. He is the one and I know it. I need him to feel secure and sure. I need him to like what I look like. I need him to stop comparing me. 

-Lots of Love

Audi